Dear Diary (Part 1)

14th August 2007
Time: 6.15pm
Venue: My Room

Dear diary..

Why is it that God is so unfair to me?! Why is it that I am born like this?! Why can't I just be like my other friends?! Why can't I look or behave like the rest? Why? Why? I am such a useless person. A hopeless human being. Everywhere I go, people would stare at me. Do you think I like them gazing at me? I hate it when their eyes zoom into me. Some of them even chortled at me.

I feel so wretched. I am a failure to my family. I am a burden to my friends who have to take care of me every time. Why am I born to make them suffer like this? My life is like a heavy load which is tiresome to carry. I am a burden. A huge burden! An enormous burden! A sickening burden!

Every time when I lick a small portion of an ice-cream, I can't feel the sweetness. I feel nothing. Everything is tasteless to me. Two hours ago, I bought an ice-cream from 7 eleven. It looked appetizing. A chocolate ice-cream with almond toppings. I wanted to taste it. I yearned for a bite.

But I was disappointed again. I couldn't taste anything. Not even the cone of the ice-cream. Nothing! My taste buds have failed me. Not once, twice but many times. I envy the other kids. They smile whenever they are enjoying their ice-creams. But me? Everything is the same. Vegetables, rice, chocolates, peanuts, bread, beans, fish, chicken and ice-cream. All plain and bland.

I asked my mum when I reached home. Why am I different from everyone else? Why can't I taste anything? Or maybe why does everything taste the same? Mum said I was special. She said I would be OK soon. She said whatever happens, I am still a gift from God.

She lied to me! She always do! I had this 'thing' since I was 14 years old. I am 17 now. My taste buds have malfunctioned for the past 3 years. I am terrified. What is happening to me? Or why is this happening to me? Why does God choose me? Why not him or her? Or anyone else?! Those questions were bombarding my brain. I am depressed.

I am sorry I made some of your pages wet now, diary. I just couldn't hold back my tears. I am very jealous. Jealous with everyone around me. I can't hold a pen longer than 3 minutes. I am so weak. I am a weakling. Me and only me. And I get tired easily.

Pardon me if I smudge some of the ink on u. This pen I am using was given to me by Adam. He is my classmate. He gave it to me during birthday. I have to rest every 3 minutes of using it. It is a Pilot pen. Adam is really nice. He is my best friend. He is always there to protect me from the bullies.

Oh, you were also bought by Adam as a gift during my birthday. You came with the Pilot pen. He wrapped you in a newspaper. You look great and brand new. I love your green skin. My favourite colour is green.

Our class is 07S06. My form teacher is Mrs Lim. She teaches me Maths. She's a really nice teacher. She always gave me extra time to complete my test papers. So kind of her.

And one more thing - I am studying in Tampines Junior College. It's an old school. I will bring you to my school one day OK, diary?

OK..I have some homework to do now..I will update you tomorrow aites. Sleep tight.

Time now: 6.35pm

[to be continued..]