Dear Diary (Part 2)

16th August 2007
Time: 11.07pm
Venue: Living Room

Dear Diary..

Today was a very embarrassing day for me. A bad day for me. My civics class had PE today. We played a game of soccer. Soccer is popular in school. Adam can play it. Ahmad can play well too. All my friends can. Except me.

Mr Alex set up the cones. Before it even began, he went toward me and advised to rest (again). I had a medical certificate which excuses from all PE lessons in college. I cannot walk or even jog for more than 3-4 minutes. I am too weak. My legs can't take it. Nevertheless today, I just felt like playing. I ignored Mr Alex's advice and joined my classmates. I really want to play soccer in the field. Really...

For 3 years, this stupid disease in me has caused me a lot of problems and hardships. I hate it. I despise it. It makes me look like a pariah. It makes me look like the lowest class of people in the eyes of God. Mr Alex has to leave for an urgent meeting. Therefore, I seized the opportunity to play soccer and prove to myself that I am not different everyone else.

That was the first time I actually walked on the field. I shouted at Adam, commanding him to pass the ball to me. He was shocked and stared at me. Then, he told me, "You can't do this". He refused to pass the ball to me. I was pissed off. I want to play too. I want to be like the other students here. I want to run. I want to play. I want to be normal.

"Stop telling me what to do!" I suddenly shouted.

Seconds later, I fell. My legs could not take it anymore. I fell hard on the grass.

My friends rushed towards me. Everyone stopped playing.

Siti came and tried to help me up. I shrugged her off and I started to beat myself. I really don't know what came to my mind today, diary. Am i losing my sanity due to this disease that i have. Why me? Why me? WHY ME???!!!!

I was just angry that I failed (again).

I looked into the mirror just now. It was a reflection of a young miserable boy. A boy whose life hangs by the help and aid by his friends. A boy who can't survive on his own. I hate it. It looked like an ugly duckling. I almost felt like smashing the mirror. I hate the reflection. The reflection of me. Of myself.

Why is God so evil towards to me? iWhy does God make his creatures suffer like ths?


Time now: 11.22pm

[To be continued..]